Finding me

At my mom's request I am sharing my latest masterpiece...

The challenge I have is to find me. To know who I am. This sounds simple enough but it is probably the hardest thing to do. I believe that I give the illusion of being a confident woman but in all actuality, I am just a scared little girl. I am the peacekeeper, the worry wart, the spaz. I sleep best in the day when someone is awake to watch over me. I am troubled and dark with a smile on my face. My grandmother calls it wallpaper - you make the ugly wall pretty for the world to see and only you know what's behind it. I carry all of my fears, all of my troubles, all of my hate within. I am a full bottle that sometimes spills out and makes a mess. I need to be loved, reassured and constantly needed. I dream big but will not take the risks. I always do what's best for all not just me. Though I am happy, I am never content. I am my own worst enemy and hate most things about me. I love my family and would do anything for them. I get lost in music and in thought. I have a hard time believing the mirror which tells me I am a woman and a mother when I feel like a little girl still trying to find her way. I am unmaterial and unselfish. I am scared of pain, the dark and being alone. I believe in God, ghosts and the unknown. I want to belong and hate to fit in. I am a people pleaser who fears asking for help. I sit bored and wish for activity but get anxiety whenever there is an event. I look at who I am and wonder who could love such a mess but I am a lucky lady. He is a strong man who can embrace my crazy better than I. And that is me in a summary!

Alittle Numb

So things have been a bit off lately. I am having trouble wrapping my mind around the fact that my dad is remarried. I guess it would seem more real to me if we were included. Nevertheless, I hope he is happy and allows the true him to shine through. I almost can't remember the guy he used to be which makes me sad.

I had a long conversation with my ex-husband the other night. It is weird how I am so much of a caregiver that I seem to have made myself his counselor on matters of our divorce and the kids. He was on drugs for so long that now the reality of the past several years are all hitting him at one time. Sometimes I want to tell him I hate him and I don't care what happens but that would be a lie. It is impossible to grow up with a person and not feel some kind of love for them. I hope he finds his path and I really hope he does not hurt my children in the process.

Granny's funeral is this weekend. Though she lived a full live it is painful to see my husband lose another person in his life. Between her passing and my ex's longing for time with the kids; I think it is bringing up some parts of my husbands past. He is missing his parents and regrets not spending the time with them that he could have. Along with the grieving of granny we will also be turning to a new chapter in life by way of meeting Grandma's new gentleman friend. I am happy that she has a companion, eager to meet him but can't imagine her without Gramps.

Our house guest is still here and it is wearing on us all including him. I am sure he is missing his own space and I am missing my quiet time at lunch. Here's to a new adventure for him -- may it come quickly!

In closing, I want to make sure you know how much I love and cherish you; my family and friends. Life is a bumpy, short climb up the hill and you never know what tomorrow will bring. Sleep well and love each other. Until I write again.