Friday, December 16, 2011

Catching up

So it has been incredibly long since I have wrote on my blog so I have a bit of catching up to do.

Let's see; my son obtained his license this past summer and currently owns not one but two cars. He bought a Lincoln Continental first and then realized how expensive the gas will be. He then was gifted a Blazer from my husbands aunt. We are in the process of replacing the cracked window and smog. However, it is Christmas time so that process is on the back burner.

My daughter is now in high school so now I am the mother of two high school attending teenagers. She has also broke my heart with her plea to move into her dads house. She and my husband are always at odds and I can not fix their relationship no matter how hard I try. I am crushed that after 14 years of raising her without her father, he can walk back in and be the greatest gift. I know she idolizes him and always have. It may be best for her to go and see that life will not be the dreamy garden she pictures it to be. But what if it is or what if she starts having troubles and does not feel she can come to me. What a tangled web.

I am days away from my 33rd birthday and I can not remember how I got here. I have had sever headaches for the past four months and my life seems to be a mess. My work is sucking the life out of me, my family is a hostile war zone and I am losing my mind! I thought that my life would never be as stressful as my childhood was but apparently I am wired to be a stress case. I continue to remind myself to breath and that one day we will look back on this time as just a time in our lives.

The only positive thing that I can say is going on my life is that I have become a part-time entrepreneur with a fun little online retail shop. Yes some people may find it inappropriate that I am selling sexual items but they don't know the whole story. So let me clear this up for you. I have a friend who has a horrible disease called LS and the main part of her body that is affected by the disease is her intimate parts - if you get my jest. She and her husband have been married for along while and he is an amazing man who has stood by her side through many things in there life. I thought about women and men like her who would appreciate tools to continue being romantic with their partners. Besides sex is an intimate and fun thing that should always have some spontaneity...and I can't think of a better way-can you?

Ok well I am not sure how often I will be updating this blog but I should let you in again.

Monday, May 31, 2010

Finding me

At my mom's request I am sharing my latest masterpiece...

The challenge I have is to find me. To know who I am. This sounds simple enough but it is probably the hardest thing to do. I believe that I give the illusion of being a confident woman but in all actuality, I am just a scared little girl. I am the peacekeeper, the worry wart, the spaz. I sleep best in the day when someone is awake to watch over me. I am troubled and dark with a smile on my face. My grandmother calls it wallpaper - you make the ugly wall pretty for the world to see and only you know what's behind it. I carry all of my fears, all of my troubles, all of my hate within. I am a full bottle that sometimes spills out and makes a mess. I need to be loved, reassured and constantly needed. I dream big but will not take the risks. I always do what's best for all not just me. Though I am happy, I am never content. I am my own worst enemy and hate most things about me. I love my family and would do anything for them. I get lost in music and in thought. I have a hard time believing the mirror which tells me I am a woman and a mother when I feel like a little girl still trying to find her way. I am unmaterial and unselfish. I am scared of pain, the dark and being alone. I believe in God, ghosts and the unknown. I want to belong and hate to fit in. I am a people pleaser who fears asking for help. I sit bored and wish for activity but get anxiety whenever there is an event. I look at who I am and wonder who could love such a mess but I am a lucky lady. He is a strong man who can embrace my crazy better than I. And that is me in a summary!

Monday, May 3, 2010

Alittle Numb

So things have been a bit off lately. I am having trouble wrapping my mind around the fact that my dad is remarried. I guess it would seem more real to me if we were included. Nevertheless, I hope he is happy and allows the true him to shine through. I almost can't remember the guy he used to be which makes me sad.

I had a long conversation with my ex-husband the other night. It is weird how I am so much of a caregiver that I seem to have made myself his counselor on matters of our divorce and the kids. He was on drugs for so long that now the reality of the past several years are all hitting him at one time. Sometimes I want to tell him I hate him and I don't care what happens but that would be a lie. It is impossible to grow up with a person and not feel some kind of love for them. I hope he finds his path and I really hope he does not hurt my children in the process.

Granny's funeral is this weekend. Though she lived a full live it is painful to see my husband lose another person in his life. Between her passing and my ex's longing for time with the kids; I think it is bringing up some parts of my husbands past. He is missing his parents and regrets not spending the time with them that he could have. Along with the grieving of granny we will also be turning to a new chapter in life by way of meeting Grandma's new gentleman friend. I am happy that she has a companion, eager to meet him but can't imagine her without Gramps.

Our house guest is still here and it is wearing on us all including him. I am sure he is missing his own space and I am missing my quiet time at lunch. Here's to a new adventure for him -- may it come quickly!

In closing, I want to make sure you know how much I love and cherish you; my family and friends. Life is a bumpy, short climb up the hill and you never know what tomorrow will bring. Sleep well and love each other. Until I write again.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Catchin up!

So it has been awhile since I have blogged. Life has been a bit crazy with tax season drawing to an end. I have been working 6 days a week since January but that has finally come to an end. I even get Friday off - yeah, three day weekend.

Destinee starts her cheer practice next month and she is super anxious! James started karate last night. So now I must work very hard to pay for their activities but atleast they are enjoying themselves.

Casey's cousin is staying with us for a bit. He had a pretty rough break up and is trying to put his life back together. He is motivated and I hope he finds what he is looking for.

Casey and I are doing the same old, same old. Working, paying bills and living. We are all doing well and keeping dry.

My little brother has found him in some trouble recently and really didn't do anything wrong. I am keeping faith that he will take this as a life lesson and turn it all around.

I went to a bachelorette party this last Friday. We had a great time. Congrats to Brendan and Dawn who will be married next month.

Before I close, I want to wish the family well in the loss of Grannie yesterday. She was in her 90's and a wonderful woman. The Queen of Casey's family. I guess grandma Joan now holds the throne.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Westshore Viking Cheerleaders

Destinee tried out and has been selected as one of the 2010-2011 cheerleaders for the Westshore Vikings. As anyone with children participating in activities know, it is very costly. We have been very lucky to have a good friend who gave us her uniform so we only have a few pieces to buy. Never-the-less, the cost is still somewhere in the $300 range. Destinee has two fundraisers to help offset her costs. The first fundraiser has began and is for a wonderful candle product. The best part is that if you do not live near us, you can still participate in this fundraiser. Go to to check it out! If you do order online please let me know so she can get credit for your orders. If you live near by and would like to see the catalog, let me know!

Have a great day!

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Busy Week

So this week has been very busy... Destinee tried out for the Westshore Cheer Squad which was a three night process. She made it! So now I guess I am a cheer mom. Very excited for her, not so sure about me. My brother went to trial on a charge that happened over a year ago and was found guilty. For the first time ever, I believe he did not do what they charged him with. He was remanded immediately after the verdict and awaits trial, early next month. My husband and son have started a huge rebuild project in the backyard, which will be amazing when it is complete but for now it is a complete mess. My co-worker got into a car accident and has been put on leave for a few days. There are school project deadlines and mandatory meetings. Took one nephew Friday so he would work on his project and the other nephew Saturday so I could take him to baseball practice this morning. All I want to do now is take a nap but the laundry is calling my name! Time to put my Supermom cape back on.