Finding me

At my mom's request I am sharing my latest masterpiece...

The challenge I have is to find me. To know who I am. This sounds simple enough but it is probably the hardest thing to do. I believe that I give the illusion of being a confident woman but in all actuality, I am just a scared little girl. I am the peacekeeper, the worry wart, the spaz. I sleep best in the day when someone is awake to watch over me. I am troubled and dark with a smile on my face. My grandmother calls it wallpaper - you make the ugly wall pretty for the world to see and only you know what's behind it. I carry all of my fears, all of my troubles, all of my hate within. I am a full bottle that sometimes spills out and makes a mess. I need to be loved, reassured and constantly needed. I dream big but will not take the risks. I always do what's best for all not just me. Though I am happy, I am never content. I am my own worst enemy and hate most things about me. I love my family and would do anything for them. I get lost in music and in thought. I have a hard time believing the mirror which tells me I am a woman and a mother when I feel like a little girl still trying to find her way. I am unmaterial and unselfish. I am scared of pain, the dark and being alone. I believe in God, ghosts and the unknown. I want to belong and hate to fit in. I am a people pleaser who fears asking for help. I sit bored and wish for activity but get anxiety whenever there is an event. I look at who I am and wonder who could love such a mess but I am a lucky lady. He is a strong man who can embrace my crazy better than I. And that is me in a summary!