Finding me

At my mom's request I am sharing my latest masterpiece...

The challenge I have is to find me. To know who I am. This sounds simple enough but it is probably the hardest thing to do. I believe that I give the illusion of being a confident woman but in all actuality, I am just a scared little girl. I am the peacekeeper, the worry wart, the spaz. I sleep best in the day when someone is awake to watch over me. I am troubled and dark with a smile on my face. My grandmother calls it wallpaper - you make the ugly wall pretty for the world to see and only you know what's behind it. I carry all of my fears, all of my troubles, all of my hate within. I am a full bottle that sometimes spills out and makes a mess. I need to be loved, reassured and constantly needed. I dream big but will not take the risks. I always do what's best for all not just me. Though I am happy, I am never content. I am my own worst enemy and hate most things about me. I love my family and would do anything for them. I get lost in music and in thought. I have a hard time believing the mirror which tells me I am a woman and a mother when I feel like a little girl still trying to find her way. I am unmaterial and unselfish. I am scared of pain, the dark and being alone. I believe in God, ghosts and the unknown. I want to belong and hate to fit in. I am a people pleaser who fears asking for help. I sit bored and wish for activity but get anxiety whenever there is an event. I look at who I am and wonder who could love such a mess but I am a lucky lady. He is a strong man who can embrace my crazy better than I. And that is me in a summary!

Alittle Numb

So things have been a bit off lately. I am having trouble wrapping my mind around the fact that my dad is remarried. I guess it would seem more real to me if we were included. Nevertheless, I hope he is happy and allows the true him to shine through. I almost can't remember the guy he used to be which makes me sad.

I had a long conversation with my ex-husband the other night. It is weird how I am so much of a caregiver that I seem to have made myself his counselor on matters of our divorce and the kids. He was on drugs for so long that now the reality of the past several years are all hitting him at one time. Sometimes I want to tell him I hate him and I don't care what happens but that would be a lie. It is impossible to grow up with a person and not feel some kind of love for them. I hope he finds his path and I really hope he does not hurt my children in the process.

Granny's funeral is this weekend. Though she lived a full live it is painful to see my husband lose another person in his life. Between her passing and my ex's longing for time with the kids; I think it is bringing up some parts of my husbands past. He is missing his parents and regrets not spending the time with them that he could have. Along with the grieving of granny we will also be turning to a new chapter in life by way of meeting Grandma's new gentleman friend. I am happy that she has a companion, eager to meet him but can't imagine her without Gramps.

Our house guest is still here and it is wearing on us all including him. I am sure he is missing his own space and I am missing my quiet time at lunch. Here's to a new adventure for him -- may it come quickly!

In closing, I want to make sure you know how much I love and cherish you; my family and friends. Life is a bumpy, short climb up the hill and you never know what tomorrow will bring. Sleep well and love each other. Until I write again.

Catchin up!

So it has been awhile since I have blogged. Life has been a bit crazy with tax season drawing to an end. I have been working 6 days a week since January but that has finally come to an end. I even get Friday off - yeah, three day weekend.

Destinee starts her cheer practice next month and she is super anxious! James started karate last night. So now I must work very hard to pay for their activities but atleast they are enjoying themselves.

Casey's cousin is staying with us for a bit. He had a pretty rough break up and is trying to put his life back together. He is motivated and I hope he finds what he is looking for.

Casey and I are doing the same old, same old. Working, paying bills and living. We are all doing well and keeping dry.

My little brother has found him in some trouble recently and really didn't do anything wrong. I am keeping faith that he will take this as a life lesson and turn it all around.

I went to a bachelorette party this last Friday. We had a great time. Congrats to Brendan and Dawn who will be married next month.

Before I close, I want to wish the family well in the loss of Grannie yesterday. She was in her 90's and a wonderful woman. The Queen of Casey's family. I guess grandma Joan now holds the throne.

Westshore Viking Cheerleaders

Destinee tried out and has been selected as one of the 2010-2011 cheerleaders for the Westshore Vikings. As anyone with children participating in activities know, it is very costly. We have been very lucky to have a good friend who gave us her uniform so we only have a few pieces to buy. Never-the-less, the cost is still somewhere in the $300 range. Destinee has two fundraisers to help offset her costs. The first fundraiser has began and is for a wonderful candle product. The best part is that if you do not live near us, you can still participate in this fundraiser. Go to www.Scentsy.com/RachealHarmon to check it out! If you do order online please let me know so she can get credit for your orders. If you live near by and would like to see the catalog, let me know!

Have a great day!

Busy Week

So this week has been very busy... Destinee tried out for the Westshore Cheer Squad which was a three night process. She made it! So now I guess I am a cheer mom. Very excited for her, not so sure about me. My brother went to trial on a charge that happened over a year ago and was found guilty. For the first time ever, I believe he did not do what they charged him with. He was remanded immediately after the verdict and awaits trial, early next month. My husband and son have started a huge rebuild project in the backyard, which will be amazing when it is complete but for now it is a complete mess. My co-worker got into a car accident and has been put on leave for a few days. There are school project deadlines and mandatory meetings. Took one nephew Friday so he would work on his project and the other nephew Saturday so I could take him to baseball practice this morning. All I want to do now is take a nap but the laundry is calling my name! Time to put my Supermom cape back on.

The Working Mother

Now days it seems impossible not to be a mother and hold a full-time job. The cost of living demands for it. Though I know I enjoy being out and having a job sometimes I think that our push to be in the workforce has caused us sever stress and sacrifice.

You would think that as your children get older, the task gets easier but it only changes. Years ago my day went a little like this: Pack the diaper bag, dress the kids, take to daycare, detach from my leg a crying child, go to work with mouth shaped toothpaste stains on my pants, work work work, go pick up children, make dinner, give baths, put to bed, repeat. With the ever so often: doctor appointment, sick child, wet pants, need my blanket days. Now days it is more like this: Wake kids, make coffee, push kids out the door, work work work, resolve chore fights via telephone, come home, do laundry for must have PE clothes or jeans, sign school forms, help with homework, push kids to make lunches, take showers, brush teeth, sleep, repeat. With the occasional: I need to bring )insert purchased item here) to school tomorrow, Friday night sleepover, take to friends, run to library, sick, doctor appointments. And always ringing phones for one or the other.

It is an exhausting revolving door of nurture and support. My son is sick and I would rather be with him but due to my own illness' and my dautgher being sick last week - I must be at the office so I mother via phone and on my breaks and still feel guilty.

And for this we get one single day a year. Here's to all the mothers in this world - YOU ARE AMAZING PEOPLE WHO BURN THE CANDLE ON ALL ENDS AND DESERVE TO BE APPRECIATED - SO HERE IT IS: "I APPRECIATE YOU ALL!"

My other man

He is so intelligent and very handsome. He is kind, quick-witted and has a great sense of humor. He has an eclectic taste in music and his style is all his own. He speaks a language only his click can understand.

Sometimes he is tempered and has a bad attitude. But most of the time he is relaxed and just goes with the flow.

My husband isn't jealous of him. In fact they get along quite well. You see this other man is my son. He is no longer a baby and not yet an adult. He impresses me with his knowledge and his reasoning. I think about the little child he was and I wonder about who he will become. He has a great head on his shoulders and big goals. He has been by my side all of the time through some of the worst moments.

He is indeed, my other man. One day I will have to let him go and share him with the world. I will watch him love, I will watch him lose. I hope to see a reflection of him in his child's eyes. May he become the man his father could not be. A loving father, a supportive father and a loyal friend. And by living his life life to the fullest; he will most definitely be a wonderful son.

Though I have great hopes and dreams for him I think he should know that I will love him unconditionally as he is my one and only son.

What a week!

So this week started as any other week with the exception of the heavy rains and whipping winds. There was a short power outage early in the week but still nothing dramatic.

And then it hit! It was Tuesday night and we received a call from the kids aunt's house, it was their dad. he informed them and me that he will be moving here and staying with his sister Jen. Not only that but he expects to be here by the end of the week. He lives a very rocky life and though I would love for him to have a better relationship with kids, I also appreciate the distance as he has yet to figure out his life. So I went to bed in a worried state.

Wednesday morning arrived and my husband came into the room asking me if his check hit the bank and how much it was for. I logged into our online account and my heart sank into the pit of my stomach. There was a pending charge from Walmart.com for $883 - ouch! Now knowing I am the only one capable of making said purchases and we are still playing catch up from Christmas - there is no way in hell that I would have made such a large purchase. I immediately went to my online Walmart account to confirm that there were no pending orders, which there were not. So I picked up the phone and called the bank. The gentleman I spoke with told me there was nothing he could do until the charge cleared my account. What CLEAR MY ACCOUNT!!!! So I then called Walmart and after searching my records several different ways from address to phone number to social security number - the transaction was found. I was then told that the order did not meet security requirements and was rejected, however; it would take 72 hours to be removed from my account. I then proceeded to the police department to make a report. I was told that the police would take the report but they would not spend the hours investigating the charges as it was less than $10,000. (By the way had it been that large of a sum, I would not be telling this story as it would not have been my account.) So from the police station I went to the bank with my paycheck - hoping to open a new account and close the one in turmoil. I was told that the new accounts person was not in that day and I would have to wait until the next day to do that. By end of day I had a call from the Fraud Prevention Group from my bank stating that there were other attempts to purchase from the Apple Store, Bed Bath and Beyond, etc.

Thursday afternoon, Casey and I use our lunch break to open a new account so we can pay our bills. We then wait for two and a half hours to even be seen by the new accounts person. Once our account is opened we are told that our check would not be available until 12:00 am. Desperate for groceries, I was able to borrow money from my step-dad. So now I have spent at least 3 hours of my work week resolving these issues.

Friday, my funds are available so I promptly pay my step-dad back and pay necessary bills. Saturday morning, my other account is now available and I immediately transfer the funds from old account to new account before Mr. Debit Card Thief proceeds to make more grand purchases at my expense. I then head to work as it is tax season requiring me to work four hours every Saturday and p.s. this Saturday was not overtime thanks to the banking issues - grrrr!

By one o'clock I am headed to my girlfriends daughters' 3rd birthday with confirmation that my ex has made it to town.

It is now noon on Sunday and I am still in my p.j.'s exhausted from my week. Thank goodness for the fact that though it was inconvenient, no money was actually taken from us and that I have great family members that were there to bail me out when I needed them most. I am tempted to be sick tomorrow - LOL!

A Rose in the Garden

In the center of this magnificent garden grew a rare and delicate rose
with a vibrant color never seen before;
This rose sparkled brightly for all to see;
It stood up to the tests of time such as sun, rain and wind;

Once the roses' gardener was asked, "How did you get such a wonderful rose?"
The gardener answered:
"I nurtured it with love, showered it with kindness and kept it in my heart"
"The rose is very special - it has never failed me yet";

This rose is a friendship just like yours and mine;
needing nurturing, love and time;
And though you must work rather hard to keep this friendship in bloom,
in the end you will have a rare rose that is surely hard to find.

2010

It has been a few days since I have blogged, life is getting so busy. Welcome to 2010! May it be a fabulous year for everyone.

Mine started out fun as I celebrated with Matt and Jessica. Jess, Dest and I had a blast imitating the Jersey Shore girls. However, once I returned to work things were a bit bumpy. We left 2009 with some awful computer issues and began 2010 without resolution. However, thankfully a few days ago all was cared for, which makes my life a bit easier. Now Tax Season has begun so I get to look forward to spending my Saturday mornings at work until 4/15. Oh well, at least I get OT and do not have to deal with phone calls.

Casey is still doing very well with his new job and enjoys getting a paycheck again. The kids kicked off the New Year growing and going through the hormonal drama that teens do. So for the most part things are pretty much the same.

I hope that wonderful things are in store for us this year. I wish to spend more time with my family and friends. I also dream to find that career that fulfills the passion inside me. Cheers to a good year!